Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Yesterday I called mom to see how she was doing. She has been in a manic episode(actually we believe it to be more of rapid cycling between mania and depression) for a couple of months. She spent close to two weeks in a psych ward about a month ago which only seemed to worsen her mania rather than make it better. She has learned how to "trick" the doctors into thinking that she is no longer mania and as soon as she walks out the door of the hospital the "act" ends and the mania continues. Anyway..back to yesterday. I called her on phone and she said she was going for a "long" walk. As the conversation progressed I learned that she was walking several miles(about 4-6) to go to a marriage/counseling session that my dad was attending. Her car is at the mechanic so she decided just to walk, but didn't want my dad to know she was coming. She is convinced that dad is trying to control her. She asked me to not call dad and tell him. I came very close to calling dad, but decided not to as to not take sides. There is always a mom vs. dad theme to mom's mania...almost a paranoia that we are all out to get her. (During her first manic episode..It was the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade for me...she was convinced that my dad was the devil and that he was coming to take the 4 or us kids away.) She explained to me that dad didn't want her at this seesion....BUT talked to dad and he said that she said she didn't want to go, because the painter(they are remodeling their kitchen) was going to be painting today. Our conversation on the phone was mostly her just talking. I would try to comment or answer one of her questions, but she was always 3-4 thoughts ahead of me....very anxious, aggitated, and paranoid. Shortly after she arrived at the appointment she became aggitated and just let. Apparently, she just began walking. Dad tried to call her on her cell and she wouldn't answer the phone. He called me to say she was missing "again"(I will explain the other cases on another day). She ended up finally answering her phone, but told my dad "Don't you dare come pick me up." She finally arrived home, had a beer and seem to settle way down. She called me later(I was at the dr with a friend who had a concussion from a car accident so I didn't answer) and left a VM. She sounded much more calm than earlier in the day, but was still a bit paranoid and aggitated. She said you know you called me earlier, I didn't call you. I wasn't going to involve you in all of this today, but YOU did call me.

-She has been talking a lot about "good vs. evil". She feels like god is testing her. She told me yesterday that most of her thoughts have a "religiousity"(her word for it) theme to it. Keeps saying that is is like an ephiany.

I am currently planning my wedding(July) found out yesterday that she is really bitter about a couple of things about the wedding:

1. She offered to make bouquets for my wedding(she used to do floral work). She is telling people that I keep changing my mind about the flowers and that I can't make a decision. Although, as soon as I got engaged we went out and bought silk flowers that I wanted for the bouquets. She has had these flowers for about a year and I haven't changed my mind once about the flowers.

2. She is upset that she has to walk up the isle(not like her at all). She wants to just show up and sit in the pew.

3. She can't decide on an outfit to wear. She wants to wear pants and not a dress...which I have told her many times that that was ok. She has purchased 3 different outfits, but is still not satisfied. She wants to continue looking for an outfit.

Growing Up Bipolar

I am a 27 year old teacher who has grown up with a Bipolar Mother. Currently my mother is experiencing a manic episode. I have created this blog for a few reasons:
1. In hopes that my story and experiences will helps someone else who may be going through a similiar situation

2. A medium to record my mom's manic and depressive episodes in hopes that my family can better understand what triggers(and the best way to cope with) my mom's episodes.

3. Therapy for myself. I have learned that many people do not understand bipolar disorder. Even with setting my expectations very low, I often become frustrated and irritated when I try to explain to people what our family is experiencing and the respones are get(as well intended as they are) are things like "Don't take it personally. You're mom is not in the right state of mind" "You just have to let it go". This is a complex issues that is hard to explain to people have haven't been through it. This blog give me the opportunity to vent and tell my story without getting defensive.

This blog is in no way intended to be a clinical view of bipolar disorder. This rather is a form of an online journal.....everything included on this blog is just my experiences and my story, the story of ....."Growing Up Bipolar(daughter of a bipolar mother)".